SAN ANTONIO -

It’s “Classical Night!” I don’t know why I used an exclamation point – that doesn’t exactly excite me. The music makes me kind of antsy. I might not sleep at all tonight! The couples have an individual routine, and then have to take part in a team dance. Now, it’s time to (watch stars) dance!

Katherine & Mark – Rumba

I have no idea how these two are going to pull this off. Katherine has pretty much crushed most of her competition, so if she can’t kick off this week’s theme with a punch, I’m not sure anyone can. Oh, holy shirtless Mark! He’s wearing a cape and a whole lot of spray tan! Katherine looks like she just walked off the set of “Game of Thrones!” I’m hitting MUTE. The music is distracting me from the dancing. It’s not sexy like their moves. I cannot believe Katherine is not a dancer – she’s THAT good! When she held the pose while Mark held her leg…incredible! I want to give her the trophy now. WOW!

Len it was a classic rumba. Len said Mark kept it elegant and not raunchy. He said there was no rhythm to the music but Katherine managed to stay on time with it. Bruno called Katherine the “unattainable object of desire, the embodiment of the power of beauty merely toying with your subjects.” He said he likes the rumba a bit raunchier and wanted Katherine to go further to get his juices going. Technically, he said she was great. Carrie Ann agreed. She said Katherine’s placement was perfect as was her passion – but she thought it was placed. She thought Katherine needed more heat.

SCORE: 27

Melissa & Maks – Argentine tango

We have a Maks down! Well, not down, but he is hurt (and still dancing). Maks has a cyst on his ankle. He had Val ready to dance in his place. Val had to sit this one out. Seriously, this music is KILLING ME! Their first contact had Maks carrying Melissa above his head. What injury? Their costumes are very “Peter Pan.” The lifts were more tango. This had passion, but it seemed like Melissa wasn’t all there. It sometimes looked like Maks was talking her through the dance. Strange.

Bruno said Melissa’s extremely brave to attempt to dance to the tempo of Mozart. He said she tried hard, but it sometimes looked like she was on a roller coaster. He said the dance was messy. Carrie Ann said the dance was like Cirque du Soleil went wrong. She said the lifts were ambitious, but missed the quality. She said the dance was like a lift-fest. Melissa said it felt entirely different to her. Len said Melissa portrayed the crescendos with the lifts. He said the intensity forced the dance to lose some of the quality.

SCORE: 21

William & Cheryl – Viennese waltz

FINALLY! It’s a dance better suited for this music! William has a hurt ankle. It’s the “Hurt Hunk Week!” Dancing is not for wimps, y’all! Jackie Evancho performed while they danced. Smoke on the dance floor does not help a judge (like myself) to see the dancer’s feet! The rise and fall of this dance was just lovely! If Len doesn’t like this, I’m sending him hate mail. For real!

Carrie Ann said the dance had true content and was true dancing. She said William finds the story in the music and brings the romance to life. Len said he wasn’t transported to Vienna, but it was close – he was in Austria. He said William is up and down from week to week, but tonight he’s up. Bruno said William captured the purity of the song. He said William also showed vulnerability. He said William put his heart and soul into the dance. He said the dance was touching and beautiful.

SCORE: 27

Roshon & Chelsie – Argentine tango

Roshon got some lessons on masculinity from Val. Awkward. Umm, Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance?” Whaaaat? Did something happen? Because there was a long shot of the show’s logo! Wait. Roshon & Chelsie are both fully clothed. I’m confused. I kind of wanted to see Roshon do a lift, but he had some really nice kicks. I’m still not sure what happened.

Len liked the transitions into the lifts. He wanted more tension through Roshon’s feet. He thought the dance was clean and confident. Bruno said Roshon had slick lines and was mostly clean. He said “size is not everything.” He said sometimes Roshon’s feet are a bit wobbly. Carrie Ann hugged Roshon and welcomed him back to the competition. She said that was Roshon being steady on his feet. She didn’t know what Len and Bruno were talking about.

SCORE: 25

Donald & Peta – Viennese waltz

Peta has given Donald harder choreography (as Len requested last week). Has anyone noticed how skinny Donald’s legs are? That’s all I noticed on the rehearsal footage. Vittorio Grigolo performed while they danced. I liked Donald’s performance despite his circus ringmaster jacket with tails. I also liked that this dance did not have smoke so I could fully see them dance. SOOO GOOD!

Bruno said Donald has the sweeping drive and the passion. He loved it. Carrie Ann thought there was a lift, but she did not see it with her own eyes. She loves Donald’s intensity. She said his moves are strong. She loved the regal quality of the dance. Len said he thought Donald’s dancing was terrific. He compared Donald’s coat to something – I’m not sure.

SCORE: 27

Maria & Derek – Paso doble

Derek upset Maria by telling her to be a female. Derek has a wooden stake, Maria has fangs. None of that was necessary. These two were incredible! Really! WOW! Best dance of the night!

Carrie Ann said “that didn’t suck!” She said Maria was on fire. She said Katherine better watch her back. Len said Maria was “sharp as a razor, crisp as a Pringle” and the dance had “more tension than his grandmother’s knicker elastic.” He loved it. He said it was fantastic. Bruno said Maria is the queen of the night. He said the structure of the dance was spellbinding.

SCORE: 30 (first perfect score of the season!)