Listening helps comfort grieving parents

Of the 12 people killed in last week's mass shooting at a Colorado movie theater, 6-year-old Veronica Moser-Sullivan was the youngest. Her mother, Ashley Moser, remained hospitalized Tuesday for injuries suffered during the shooting.

Long after the moments of silence have ended, people around the country will still be at a loss for words to describe what happened to the fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, daughters and sons killed and wounded in Aurora.

Those close to the victims have an especially difficult task: finding words of solace for the incomprehensible.

Grief experts say the loss of a child brings on a special kind of anguish.

"You think about all the things you'll miss: the graduations, the swim lessons, the dance recitals," says Patricia Loder, the executive director of The Compassionate Friends, a foundation that supports those who are dealing with the grief that follows the death of a child.

Loder lost her two children in a car crash in 1991 and has since channeled her grief into helping others.

"One of the most important things is to listen to what the parents have to say. I call it 'the head and the heart.' Their head knows their child has died, but their heart doesn't want to believe it," says Loder.

Sometimes it's not what you say, it's what you don't say, according to psychiatrist Abigail Brenner.

"The best thing to do is be around and listen to the parents, and try not to inject your own opinion," says Brenner. "Inevitably most people have never lost a child, so saying 'I know how you feel' is not going to help."

Even if you have lost a child, Brenner says the phrase "I know how you feel" is too subjective: every parent's response is different. Some people try to make the best of it; some people fall apart; some people get angry; some people try and channel it into something positive.

"They think they must say something. We're a society where we're uncomfortable with silence. We think we need to put a reason why this happened out there," says Loder.

Sometimes just being present is the best thing you can do. Let the parents know you're there for them: pass them a tissue, rub their back, allow their tears fall onto your shoulder.

"You don't have to say a lot or try to take the pain away. Words like 'I am so sorry' or 'I am here for you' can be healing. It's important to acknowledge their pain and not change the subject or tell them it's not so bad," said psychiatrist Melanie Greenberg, who specializes in grief and trauma.

And while it's easy to try to find that proverbial silver lining or light at the end of the tunnel, Brenner says comments such as "this will pass" should be avoided, because while the grief may pass, the memories of the child won't -- and shouldn't.

"The whole idea of finishing grief doesn't mean you stop mourning a child or you get over it, but the thing is you have to have closure on the emotional life. You carry the memory. You want to be able to move on."