SAN ANTONIO – Conversations about abusive relationships can be tough for teenagers.
“I talk with my friends, and it’s very much like, ‘Oh, this is probably a toxic relationship, but he still loves me.’ And I’m just like, ‘But does he?’ It’s one of those things where you need to bring awareness to it, or at least know the signs before you even get in a relationship,” said high school senior Emerald Alaniz.
Alaniz is on the San Antonio Youth Commission, a leadership body pulling together two teens from each city district to discuss and act on important topics, like teen dating violence.
Alaniz and her team have learned that signs of an abusive relationship can be easy to miss:
- Checking a partner’s phone or social media accounts without permission
- Extreme jealousy, causing a partner to feel fearful or timid
- Physical harm
- Possessiveness or controlling behavior
- Forcing or pressuring the other into sexual activity
She sees the extreme jealousy and control being normalized in teen relationships around her.
“It’s not even just person to person. It’s through Instagram: ‘You’re following this person’ or ‘You like this person’s post story. You told me you’re going to go to bed.’ It’s through text messages like, ‘Oh, you didn’t show me your text,’” Alaniz explained.
She said it’s probably more common than adults realize.
“It shouldn’t matter who she’s texting, but it’s one of those things where it’s become such a common thing that we’re like, ‘Oh, it’s normal,’ which in reality, we shouldn’t normalize it,” Alaniz shared.
Experts know the whole community has a part to play in curbing teen dating abuse.
“They need their whole network watching out for them. That includes parents, caregivers, siblings, extended family, teachers,” said Erica Haller-Stevenson, Metro Health Violence Prevention administrator.
Haller-Stevenson’s team helped start a social media campaign to spread information during February, which is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.
As adults, their efforts can only travel so far. She said the message is best received when it comes from their peers.
“My mom might be telling me just because she needs to tell me. But having someone, your friend who’s genuinely concerned about you and wants the best for you, talk about it, it’s like, ‘Oh, maybe there is a problem within my relationship,’” Alaniz said.
That’s why teens like Alaniz share those posts on their own networks.
“I post it on my story, and then my friends are seeing, and they’re like, ‘Oh, that’s interesting,’” Alaniz said.
She and her peers are trying to use social media for good.
“It’s very helpful whenever finding information about seeing the red flags, knowing what’s good in a relationship, how to stay healthy, how to live a healthy lifestyle within a relationship,” she said.
It may be time for a difficult but important conversation if you notice a teen in an unhealthy relationship.
“You want to be careful not to judge. You can just comment that you see something that seems a little extreme, or you just want to make sure they’re comfortable in the relationship,” Haller-Stevenson said.
She said the goal is to help them examine the relationship and decide what they want to do.
“You’re looking for some equality in the relationship, that each person has an equal say, that there are boundaries and a common respect for each other,” she said.
Alaniz recognizes that it’s not just the teens being abused that need to be educated.
“It also comes back to the person abusing. Is it because they were brought up this way? Is it because their friends told them to go this way?” she said.
The hope is to normalize talking about the subject and reduce stigma.
Haller-Stevenson said she believes walls are coming down surrounding the topic, partially because teens are now openly talking about cyberbullying. She said it has opened the door for conversations about other unhealthy relationship issues, like teen dating violence.
“The avenues can be very similar where social media is utilized to control people,” Haller-Stevenson said.
Anyone of any age wanting help or information about teen dating violence can visit the Love is Respect website. It offers detailed information on teen dating abuse, helps teens set boundaries, and offers 24/7 help for people who want to call, chat or text. You can remain anonymous.